|Authoring system||ADRIFT 4|
|Cruelty scale||Cruelty to be determined|
How It Begins
The news, when it came, did so as something of a shock.
“Explode?” said Barney. “As in… blow up, you mean?”
Doctor Grim (whom many of his patients referred to as Grim Reaper although Barney was sure that was just a coincidence) nodded as he lit up a pipe and filled the office with clouds of thick, pungent smoke.
“Explode indeed. It’s a rare condition known quite simply as Bollockus Explodingus - or Exploding Bollocks in layman’s terms. Supposedly less than 0.0000000000000000001% of the world’s population suffer with it but that 0.0000000000000000001% who do suffer from it quickly come to people’s attention.”
“You mean they complain loudly and vociferously about it?”
“Not quite,” said Doctor Grim. “I mean they tend to explode very messily and very loudly in public. That is what tends to grab people’s attention. After all, there’s nothing quite like being hit in the face by a newly exploded foreskin to wake you up.” Barney winced and crossed his legs over his privates, his hands firmly covering that which wouldn’t, if what he was hearing turned out to be true, be private for much longer.
“Is there anything I can do?” he asked weakly, visions of gaily strolling down the high street while a series of eruptions from his trousers turned his John Thomas into so much mush. “Anything at all?”
“Well…” Doctor Grim frowned, blew some more smoke, checked his watch, and said, “there is one thing you could try.”
The Doctor turned to face him. “You could have sex.”
Barney listened to the words. They were, funnily enough, exactly what he has been waiting to hear. “Sex? But why would having sex-”
“Well known cure for many things, and in this case it’s the only thing that has a chance of saving you. After all, you don’t want to be walking around without a knob this time tomorrow, now do you?”
“I’ll leave you to think about it. But I wouldn’t waste too much time on pondering: the first contractions should start within the hour and things are likely to get very, very messy before the end of the day.”
Barney winced again. It was most likely just a psychological thing but he was sure he could feel minute eruptions building in his todger. “How much sex will cure me?” he asked.
“Oh, not much. A good fuck with a beautiful woman should do it.” Doctor Grim paused and took a look at Barney. A good long look. “Ah, but considering the state of you, a beautiful woman might well be a bit out of your league. Well, try for a few reasonably okay ones. Provided you get a good amount of sex out of it, your todger should be fine.”
And then Doctor Grim left, leaving Barney alone in the office to ponder his future. A future that, if he didn’t move quickly, might well prove to be over quicker than he would have liked.
- Barney's Problem (David Whyld; 02-Jan-2004; ADRIFT 4).
- Barney's Problem (David Whyld; 15-Jan-2004; ADRIFT 4).