Clueless Bob Newbie
Clueless Bob Newbie, or CBN as he is also known, is the fictional author of the worst text adventures imaginable and is the major character in the Clueless Bob Newbie series by David Whyld. Physically, he has been described as "a rotund fellow with a shock of reddish hair."
Clueless Bob Newbie programs on a Windows 1874. His choice of authoring system is probably ADRIFT (definitely not TADS). He has no obvious genre preference, but that may be because he thinks a large variety of genres will have the widest popular appeal. Typically, CBN only spends a few minutes or less writing any given game, and by consequence, most of his games are short one-room offerings with very few objects or sense. Spelling, grammar, and even divisions between words are ridiculously awful. His games are so horrible, they have even been known to kill some people who have tried to play them. Worse, his games can sometimes warp reality outside the context of his games, forcing it to conform to his own sense of style.
Unfortunately, what others see as his games' flaws, Clueless Bob sees as their virtues. Because of this perverse logic, CBN regards himself as the author of the best text adventures, not the worst.
Ironically, Clueless Bob can write much better text adventures than he normally does. He once wrote a game called The Worst Game In The World... Ever!!! with proper spelling and grammar, evokative scenery objects, atmosphere, attention to detail, and so on... but he denounced this effort as a failure and called it the worst game he ever wrote.
If there's anything CBN likes better than writing text adventures, it's watching other people play his games so he can chortle with self-congratulatory glee on how good they are. (He also enjoys other people praising his games, but that almost never happens.) His nemeses are text adventure critics that don't recognize his genius. He has most recently founded The Church of CBN as a way of promoting his games.
Outside of text adventures, CBN also enjoys Buffy the Vampire Slayer, beer, and collecting matchboxes. He lives alone in his own house and has no friends, except maybe Death Agency Dennis.
Fictional Author Credits
This list is necessarily very incomplete. In Revenge of Clueless Bob Newbie!, he claimed he'd written 734 games in that year alone. During Jailbreak Bob, he estimated he'd written 914 games to date.
- Alesian Ferret
- Bak 2 Skool
- The Big Maize Game
- Bloody Ell!
- Bom Thret
- Bonking Mad - A Romance
- Bottom Burps IV
- Dark Ferret
- Death Agency 2
- Death Agency 3
- Death Agency 4
- Death Agency 5
- Death Agency Revolutions
- Detective Mistery
- Door Blastur 2002
- Down int he Sewa
- The Explodin Peeple!
- Ferret PC: The Trials of Birdie
- Fungus - The Musicle
- The Hanted House
- The Hobbyt
- The Houling Orror
- Ibby & The Scumm Peeple
- Invasun of the Zombee!
- A massife Cavern
- Lousy Junkies
- Teh Mutante Brane Eeters Of Rusher
- Teh Reerly Eivl Mann
- Seen of the Cryme
- Scumm & Blurge - A Luv Storie
- A Small Roome
- Sometimesummer Evenings
- Space - The Finul Frontear
- The Spase Spiduhs Eat Teh Mutante Hibride
- Spitt - Teh Musicle
- Wars Trek
- The Worst Game In The World... Ever!!!
Fictional Other Credits
- 321 of CBN's games were collected on a "Masterpieces of CBN" CD and preserved for the future. Possession of this CD is a crime punishable by death in some countries. A second CD is planned.
- He has also written the CBN clue book, containing hints and tips for all of his games.
Within the Clueless Bob Newbie series:
- The Worst Game In The World...Ever!!! (David Whyld; 2003; ADRIFT 4). As an NPC, CBN has invited you to his private residence to play some of his games.
- Revenge of Clueless Bob Newbie! (David Whyld; 2003; ADRIFT 4). As the PC, CBN infiltrates the Adventure Corps building, intent on both revenge and recognition.
- The Revenge Of Clueless Bob Newbie, Part 2: This Time It's Personal (David Whyld; 2003; ADRIFT 4). CBN, again as the PC, seeks revenge on unkind newspaper journalists.
- Jailbreak Bob (David Whyld; 2004; ADRIFT 4). CBN, as the PC, escapes from jail.
- In The Claws Of Clueless Bob (David Whyld; 2005; ADRIFT 4). CBN, as an NPC, forces a reviewer named Mr Smiffy to play some horrible games.
- The World According To CBN (David Whyld; 2007; ADRIFT 4). CBN is nearly omnipresent by way of references in this game, but he does make an appearance as an NPC at the end.