Barney's Problem: Difference between revisions

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The news, when it came, did so as something of a shock.
The news, when it came, did so as something of a shock.


  “Explode?” said Barney. “As in… blow up, you mean?”
“Explode?” said Barney. “As in… blow up, you mean?”


  Doctor Grim (whom many of his patients referred to as Grim Reaper although Barney was sure that was just a coincidence) nodded as he lit up a
Doctor Grim (whom many of his patients referred to as Grim Reaper although Barney was sure that was just a coincidence) nodded as he lit up a
pipe and filled the office with clouds of thick, pungent smoke.
pipe and filled the office with clouds of thick, pungent smoke.


  “Explode indeed. It’s a rare condition known quite simply as Bollockus Explodingus - or Exploding Bollocks in layman’s terms. Supposedly less  
“Explode indeed. It’s a rare condition known quite simply as Bollockus Explodingus - or Exploding Bollocks in layman’s terms. Supposedly less  
than 0.0000000000000000001% of the world’s population suffer with it but that 0.0000000000000000001% who do suffer from it quickly come  
than 0.0000000000000000001% of the world’s population suffer with it but that 0.0000000000000000001% who do suffer from it quickly come  
to people’s attention.”
to people’s attention.”
Line 17: Line 17:
“You mean they complain loudly and vociferously about it?”
“You mean they complain loudly and vociferously about it?”


  “Not quite,” said Doctor Grim. “I mean they tend to explode very messily and very loudly in public. That is what tends to grab people’s attention.  
“Not quite,” said Doctor Grim. “I mean they tend to explode very messily and very loudly in public. That is what tends to grab people’s attention.  
After all, there’s nothing quite like being hit in the face by a newly exploded foreskin to wake you up.”
After all, there’s nothing quite like being hit in the face by a newly exploded foreskin to wake you up.”
Barney winced and crossed his legs over his privates, his hands firmly covering that which wouldn’t, if what he was hearing turned out to be  
Barney winced and crossed his legs over his privates, his hands firmly covering that which wouldn’t, if what he was hearing turned out to be  
true, be private for much longer.
true, be private for much longer.


  “Is there anything I can do?” he asked weakly, visions of gaily strolling down the high street while a series of eruptions from his trousers turned  
“Is there anything I can do?” he asked weakly, visions of gaily strolling down the high street while a series of eruptions from his trousers turned  
his John Thomas into so much mush. “Anything at all?”
his John Thomas into so much mush. “Anything at all?”


  “Well…” Doctor Grim frowned, blew some more smoke, checked his watch, and said, “there is one thing you could try.”
“Well…” Doctor Grim frowned, blew some more smoke, checked his watch, and said, “there is one thing you could try.”


  “Anything.”
“Anything.”


  The Doctor turned to face him. “You could have sex.”
The Doctor turned to face him. “You could have sex.”


  Barney listened to the words. They were, funnily enough, exactly what he has been waiting to hear. “Sex? But why would having sex-”
Barney listened to the words. They were, funnily enough, exactly what he has been waiting to hear. “Sex? But why would having sex-”


“Well known cure for many things, and in this case it’s the only thing that has a chance of saving you. After all, you don’t want to be walking  
“Well known cure for many things, and in this case it’s the only thing that has a chance of saving you. After all, you don’t want to be walking  
around without a knob this time tomorrow, now do you?”
around without a knob this time tomorrow, now do you?”


  “Er-”
“Er-”


  “I’ll leave you to think about it. But I wouldn’t waste too much time on pondering: the first contractions should start within the hour and things  
“I’ll leave you to think about it. But I wouldn’t waste too much time on pondering: the first contractions should start within the hour and things  
are likely to get very, very messy before the end of the day.”
are likely to get very, very messy before the end of the day.”


  Barney winced again. It was most likely just a psychological thing but he was sure he could feel minute eruptions building in his todger. “How  
Barney winced again. It was most likely just a psychological thing but he was sure he could feel minute eruptions building in his todger. “How  
much sex will cure me?” he asked.
much sex will cure me?” he asked.


  “Oh, not much. A good fuck with a beautiful woman should do it.” Doctor Grim paused and took a look at Barney. A good long look. “Ah, but  
“Oh, not much. A good fuck with a beautiful woman should do it.” Doctor Grim paused and took a look at Barney. A good long look. “Ah, but  
considering the state of you, a beautiful woman might well be a bit out of your league. Well, try for a few reasonably okay ones. Provided you get  
considering the state of you, a beautiful woman might well be a bit out of your league. Well, try for a few reasonably okay ones. Provided you get  
a good amount of sex out of it, your todger should be fine.”
a good amount of sex out of it, your todger should be fine.”


  And then Doctor Grim left, leaving Barney alone in the office to ponder his future. A future that, if he didn’t move quickly, might well prove to be
And then Doctor Grim left, leaving Barney alone in the office to ponder his future. A future that, if he didn’t move quickly, might well prove to be
over quicker than he would have liked.
over quicker than he would have liked.


Revision as of 15:16, 16 August 2012

Porn / Erotica
Porn / Erotica
Barney's Problem
Author(s) David Whyld
Publisher(s) n/a
Release date(s) 02-Jan-2004
Authoring system ADRIFT 4
Platform(s) ADRIFT 4
Language(s) English
License(s) Freeware
Multimedia
Color effects none
Graphics none
Sound/Music none
Ratings
Cruelty scale Cruelty to be determined

How It Begins

The news, when it came, did so as something of a shock.

“Explode?” said Barney. “As in… blow up, you mean?”

Doctor Grim (whom many of his patients referred to as Grim Reaper although Barney was sure that was just a coincidence) nodded as he lit up a pipe and filled the office with clouds of thick, pungent smoke.

“Explode indeed. It’s a rare condition known quite simply as Bollockus Explodingus - or Exploding Bollocks in layman’s terms. Supposedly less than 0.0000000000000000001% of the world’s population suffer with it but that 0.0000000000000000001% who do suffer from it quickly come to people’s attention.”

“You mean they complain loudly and vociferously about it?”

“Not quite,” said Doctor Grim. “I mean they tend to explode very messily and very loudly in public. That is what tends to grab people’s attention. After all, there’s nothing quite like being hit in the face by a newly exploded foreskin to wake you up.” Barney winced and crossed his legs over his privates, his hands firmly covering that which wouldn’t, if what he was hearing turned out to be true, be private for much longer.

“Is there anything I can do?” he asked weakly, visions of gaily strolling down the high street while a series of eruptions from his trousers turned his John Thomas into so much mush. “Anything at all?”

“Well…” Doctor Grim frowned, blew some more smoke, checked his watch, and said, “there is one thing you could try.”

“Anything.”

The Doctor turned to face him. “You could have sex.”

Barney listened to the words. They were, funnily enough, exactly what he has been waiting to hear. “Sex? But why would having sex-”

“Well known cure for many things, and in this case it’s the only thing that has a chance of saving you. After all, you don’t want to be walking around without a knob this time tomorrow, now do you?”

“Er-”

“I’ll leave you to think about it. But I wouldn’t waste too much time on pondering: the first contractions should start within the hour and things are likely to get very, very messy before the end of the day.”

Barney winced again. It was most likely just a psychological thing but he was sure he could feel minute eruptions building in his todger. “How much sex will cure me?” he asked.

“Oh, not much. A good fuck with a beautiful woman should do it.” Doctor Grim paused and took a look at Barney. A good long look. “Ah, but considering the state of you, a beautiful woman might well be a bit out of your league. Well, try for a few reasonably okay ones. Provided you get a good amount of sex out of it, your todger should be fine.”

And then Doctor Grim left, leaving Barney alone in the office to ponder his future. A future that, if he didn’t move quickly, might well prove to be over quicker than he would have liked.

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